my Mum

Last night, my mum texted me asked me why I was so overdrawn in my bank account (by over $500!). I was already in the middle of a breakdown and she made it instantly worse.

She ended up talking me down. I know I talk shit about my mum a lot and I also know that she doesn’t really understand what I’m going through, but she TRIES. That’s all I can really ask for. She didn’t sleep last night because she was trying to think of ways to help me.

My mum is a good person and we may butt heads all the time, but I know she loves me. She is always there for me, even when I don’t want her to be.

Last night was the first time I ever let my mum in on my struggle and she treated me like an adult and tried to say whatever she could think of to help me calm down. I am thankful for my family. I lucked out with these weirdos, even if I did get the shitty genes.

I just hope that she and I can continue to grow as people and that we will one day be friends.

Evan

i Called In

I know I need the money. I know I just got written up for absences, but I also know that I am physically sick. I’m just going to get everyone else sick if I got to work.

What is the point of having a cold anyway? Like, is there a reason for this?

I can’t breathe or talk. I think I’m going to go buy some soup from the dollar store.

I wish I felt better.

Evan

i Am Not In A Good Place

I no longer wish to exist.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live anymore either. Life has become FAR too stressful and I just can’t do it anymore!

Why did all those, happy, life-loving people die in Orlando? They wanted to live. I don’t. Why did they have to die and I’m stuck here?

Last night, I got very suicidal. Thankfully, I have a friend who texted me and helped me off the ledge. He told me to get help. I’ve tried. My old counselor suggested that I would feel more “normal” in a “closely supervised” home. In other words, she said I should be committed. I’ll be the first to admit that I am a danger to myself and others. I am not denying that. I think I would be better off in a ward, but I can’t afford it.

Now, I’m looking for a new counselor and I am terrified of reaching out to someone new, because I’ll only scare them. They’ll tell me the same things my last three told me: I have BPD. I am too anxious. I shouldn’t live alone.

NEWSFLASH: I am NOT living. I am existing. This can’t possibly be what living feels like. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I just feel empty.

It’s like I’m being possessed by a demon full of anger, hatred, and darkness. These thoughts won’t leave me alone. I hate myself because I hate my brain. It just won’t shut up!

I want to be better. I NEED to be better!

Evan

i Am Embarrassed to Do This…

If you are willing and able to assist me in paying my bill to the school and for my class in Fall, please follow this link:

https://www.gofundme.com/2a3n57h8

Thank you all for your continued support.

Evan

i Got Accepted!

For those of you who do not know, I have been on Academic Suspension for the past year because my anxiety made it too hard to me to go to my classes, so I had a bad year. I reapplied for admission last week and I got in! …but I owe them (and bill collectors) soooo much money!

I have to pay the school $800 before I can even register for classes. I only want to take one class (which will run me about $200), but I’ll have to pay off the other before. I don’t know how I’m going to do this! I am thinking of talking to my job about it, but you have to be at least half time to receive anything, and I don’t want to get in over my head again.

I just wish someone in my life would loan me $2000, so that I could pay EVERYTHING else off and only have one person to pay. I could pay them back at least $200 a month (more when I have it) until it’s all paid off. That would help me sooooo much, but my credit sucks. I have so many loans out right now and I can’t even afford to move!

I don’t know what I am going to do. Maybe I’ll set up a GoFundMe and post the link on here. My family can’t help me out, so, as much as I don’t want to, I may have to ask my wordpress and tumblr families for help.

I HATE this. I hate myself. How did I let it get so bad? My worst BPD symptom is my recklessness with money. I need to get everything fixed.

Anyone want to help me out with a loan? I can draw up a contract and everything. I would never NOT pay you, but I can’t take out loans, because my credit sucks from the past.

I really need help.

Evan

crush & Crushed

I don’t remember if I told you guys that I had feelings for a married man. If not, surprise! These feelings have developed over the past two years (since I met him) and I’ve never once acted on them.

He’s in the middle of a divorce right now and I’m trying to play the role of the supportive friend. It’s getting to be a bit difficult, because I keep catching myself flirting. I don’t want to be that person. I am not the kind of person to hit of a man who has just come out of a long marriage! That’s not me!

Any suggestions on how to subdue my feelings? At least for a little while? Anything would be helpful.

Ps. I am very confused. I like a guy! That’s rare!

Evan

I have discovered that this quote really sums up my life. I am always so worried about failing that I never even try. Maybe it’s time I start really living life, instead of just existing.

Lately, my life hasn’t been that great. Maybe it’s time to make some serious changes. One of those changes will be to blog daily. I am also thinking of vlogging as well. What do you guys think? I feel like sometimes when I type, I can’t always convey everything I want to say. Maybe a video will help? Even if you’re just looking at my ceiling? What do you think?

Evan

i Need to Say Something

The past three days have been hell. Never before, in my entire life, have I been scared because I am queer!

First, Christina was shot at a meet & greet after a concert. I didn’t personally know her, but being bpd, I relate so much to the youtubers that I watch that I felt like I knew her as well. Seeing these youtubers (whom I feel are friends) express their thoughts and feelings about this murder hurts me. I watch youtube because it makes me happy. It’s an escape from the real world, so when bad things happen to people I know there, my happy place gets ruined and I have nowhere to run.

After my nephew’s birthday party, my mum, brother, and I were eating at Applebee’s and I just happened to look at the TV behind their heads that said, “50 killed and at least 53 injured in shooting at gay club in Orlando.” They are saying that it is the most deadly shooting in US history.

This man decided that these gay Latinos who were celebrating pride and love were not worthy of life. He took matters into his own hands and gunned them all down.

That could have been me. I go to every pride event every year (in Dallas and Austin). My friends and I always end up in a club. It could have been us.

Now, they are saying that another man has been arrested on his way to LA Pride with a car full of weapons…

What is happening in our world? Why is there so much hatred? So many people are blaming Islam and Muslims, but some of the best people I know are Muslim! It’s a practice of love! A few radical people have made so many people  in my country hate all Muslims, but it’s not their fault.

Today while waiting out the rain at work, I sat to eat lunch with a lady whom I tend to have pleasant small talk with (if such a thing exists). We were eating our lunches when she brings up the Orlando shooting. I told her I was very sad and angry about it.

She told me, “that’s what happens when we let other people into our country.” She was so proud of this statement, which I refuted with, “The shooter was born in New York!”

“So? He was second generation. His parents weren’t born here.”

“Neither was I! Do you want to ship me back?”

“But you came here legally. He came from over there where all the terrorists are made. It’s okay, though, because when Trump becomes president, he’ll send them all back.”

I stood up, said, “I’m sorry, but I cannot be a part of this conversation anymore.” I walked out the door without looking back and I walked home in the pouring down rain.

One man’s homophobia DOES NOT  constitute Islamophobia! One radical asshole did something horrible and unforgivable! One. Not my neighbor, who is Muslim. Not my cousin who converted. Not the hundreds, if not thousands of other Muslims living in the United States. Just one man acted in the shooting, because of his hatred of the LGBTQA community.

I am standing up for the LGBTQA community. I am standing up for all of those who believe in LOVE. I am standing up for my family!

One man’s hatred should not fuel the hatred in others! We need to stand up together and fight with peace for love.

Please be safe out there, everyone.

Evan

i Flipped Today

Today, I woke up with the feeling that I should call-in to work. I haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in over a week (I’ve been averaging about 3 hours per night). I also, haven’t been taking my Lexapro. I know I should, but I don’t like it anymore.

While I was at work, one of my co-workers was bitching at me about how her manager wanted MY shelves done a certain way, though MY manager and I have control over the shelf. Mind you, I was clocked out for lunch at the time. I lost 2/3 of my lunch break because she wanted me to do something that I wasn’t supposed to do and as I tried to explain to her the way I do it, I got VERY pissed off, I yelled at the poor old woman, and I stomped back to the BOH to find that she had told my manager that I wasn’t doing something right, even though I do. UGH!

Anyway, I went back to my station, took 1/3 of a Klonopin, let it take effect while I tried to hold back the tears and regulate my breathing so that I could continue doing my job (the correct way).

Within 5 minutes, I was falling asleep in a box of raw, frozen bacon. My boss walked up to me, asked if I was okay (quietly, because he didn’t want to cause a scene for me). I shook my head no and began to cry. He told me that since my break was cut short, I should take another twenty minutes to collect myself. I agreed and went to hide in the bathroom.

When I came out twenty minutes later, he was standing at the door, holding my purse. “I finished the bacon for the weekend. I’m headed out and if you move quickly, no one will have to know you were in here.” He smiled at me, my face red and blotchy, and continued, “Have a good weekend. Get some sleep. We care about you here and we need you to take care of yourself.”

I cried instantly as I took my purse from him and slipped out the back door. I don’t know who in his life was/is hurting, but he knows far too well how to handle my breakdowns.

I don’t want to lose my job, but sometimes just getting out of bed (even when I’m not sleeping) in the morning is so stressful. Does anyone have any advice for dealing with morning anxiety?

Evan

my Weekend

So I spent the weekend with my parents. My mum admitted that I made her feel like a bad mother when I told her about BPD. She thinks it’s her fault. It’s not. It’s no one’s fault. Not even mine, even though it took me years to realize it.

I tried to make it better by religious her I loved her and that it wasn’t her fault. I told her that it was just something I was working on.

She wants me to “just get over it,” but we all know it doesn’t work that way. I just don’t want to feel like a disappointment anymore.

Evan