moving Home Was What I Needed…

I’m sorry I’ve been gone so long! I’ve been working on my recovery and I’ve gotta tell you….things are going GREAT!

Starting in October, I will have a full time job with full benefits as well as be moving into a house with my best friend again! 🙂 This time, I’m on much better meds and I am much more secure with who I am! I know who I am now, and I think that was my biggest struggle in the past.

My diagnoses were changed from BPD to Bi-Polar Disorder last year. Since then, I’ve been on the correct dose of meds, I’ve been seeing my therapist regularly, and I’ve been dealing with life as it passed.

I’m genuinely doing well right now, and I just thought I’d let you guys know.

Thank you for sticking around.

❤ Evan

i Feel Like I am Conceding

In two weeks, I’ll be moving back in with my parents. I feel as though this is a failure to thrive. Last time I lived at home, I became a drug addict and I developed BPD, not to mention depression and anxiety. I’m scared, but I’m trying to remain hopeful.

I am in a LOT of debt. Like $4000 worth of it, to be honest. And really, that’s low-balling it for you (or maybe for me). I’ve fallen into the debt hole again and it’s like I’m trying to climb out, but every time I find a handhold, it turns into dust under my grip.

I have hit a new rock bottom. I guess that means that there is nowhere to go but up.

As I spend my entire Saturday, surrounded by the twenty-five years worth of clutter that I’ve collected over my life, I am brought back to what it was like living with my parents the first time. This time, I plan to change the outcome.

In August, I am moving to Nevada. I will be living with my eldest brother (whom I’ve only known for 10 years, because my dad didn’t know he existed) and his family. I will be their nanny, and I can’t wait. I really need the change of scenery. Plus, I’ll be an 8-hour drive for my little sister’s house in LA.

My mum thinks I’ll hate the move. I just know I’ll love it. I hate it here. I feel homesick, but I don’t have a home. I don’t know where I belong these days. What I do know is that I am more than a month behind on rent and my roommate lost her job yesterday (even though she’s there number 1 salesperson!). We both have to be out of this house by June 30. I still can’t believe my timeline has shifted so much.

I’m taking classes to get my license (I think I’m ready, but Mum does not). I now have a truck and all it needs is an oil change, new tires, and insurance. I plan on just packing it up one day very soon and driving it all the way out to Nevada. It just has to get me there. When I’m actually there, I can buy a new car or truck. I just have to convince my truck to make the long trip.

I’m going to Nevada June 13-15. I’ll be interviewing for jobs and meeting my sister-in-law and my niece and nephews for the first time. I hope they like me. They are well-aware of my preferred name (Evan) and pronouns (they/them) and, even though they’re conservative Republicans, they are using them. My brother no longer calls me his sister…just his sibling now 🙂

I’m so stressed, but I know that everything will play out the way it’s supposed to. I just have to keep faith in the notion that good things go to good people.

Thanks for listening to me rant.

 

Evan

i Would Like to Add…

I didn’t mention Shadow in my last post. It still pains me to write about her. I am still grieving profoundly and any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

I currently wear a silver pendant around my neck that holds a few of her ashes within it. It comforts me. I always wanted to take her to Denton with me…this just isn’t exactly ehat I had in mind.

Evan

i Would Like to Apologize

I would like to apologize to everyone who reads my blog. I have been gone for far too long. In an effort to help a friend last night, I sent him to my blog. It was the first time I have looked at these entries in months.

I’m sorry I’ve been away, but honestly, I’ve been great!

I am no longer on any meds (after a short stint on LITHIUM!) and I am sleeping normally, though I still have very vivid dreams. I haven’t had any night terrors or issues sleeping since I was weaned off of all of my meds. Before weaning, I was diagnosed Bi-Polar 1 with Psychosis. I wasn’t really psychotic. I was just not sleeping and the lack of sleep mixed with all of the meds created delusions in my head.

I couldn’t separate reality from dreams.

So now, I am off of all of my meds, save for a couple natural vitamins. I have much more energy now and my stomach doesn’t hate me quite as much. I’m doing fairly well in my classes and I NO LONGER WORK FOR THE HOSPITAL!!!!!!!!!

Boy, did I bury the lead on that one!

That’s right, y’all! I am out of that place for good. I spent 5 weeks on Medical Leave and then just told them, “I’m sorry. I can’t do this.” The next day, I thought I’d feel overwhelmed because I was broke and had no way of paying rent, but I felt free…It was the first time in a long time that I remember feeling free.

I’m currently working at my old university and I am still at the retail shop I’ve been working at since November. At my old university, I am scrubbing toilets and showers in the dorms. It sounds gross, but I LOVE it! It’s something physical (meaning I’m losing weight) and it’s easy, AND I get to work on my own! I LOVE it!

I’m not dating, for those of you who are wondering. I am making the choice to not date until I am completely out of debt. Also, I am MOVING!!!

That’s right! I’m leaving Texas! I am moving in with my eldest brother in Nevada! I can’t wait!!! I’m going to basically be an Au Pair, but also have a second job (for taxes and insurance and whatnot). My parents (as wonderful as they are) are selling me my Dad’s old truck. I’m working very hard to get my license by the end of May so that I can pack up all of my stuff and take it to Goodwill or Friends of the Family. I have to get rid of most of my things so that I can make the move. It’ll be hard, seeing as how I’m a major pack-rat (I still have my work books from 1st grade!), but I know it needs to be done. I’mm be sharing a room with my 8yo niece, so everything must go.

My brother has offered to let me stay with his family so that he can have help taking to kids to and from school and other activities and I can help keep the house clean and make meals when he and his wife are working late at their dog grooming business. It is mutually beneficial. He gets extra help around the house, and I get a chance to climb out of my heaping pile of debt.

The current running tally of debt (not including student loans) is roughly $4000. Possibly more. Without having to pay rent, even a minimum wage job in Nevada will help me pay everything off so much faster than working both of my jobs here. My brother is a Godsend!

I spent the day with my friend Ash after work. We went to this Illuminarium art piece. It was breathtaking! From the outside, it looks like something King Koopa would be living in, but inside, it’s a beautiful blend of colors and meditation music. I could spend all day inside if my phone hadn’t heated up. It was very hot inside, but the good kind of hot. I loved it. If I can figure out how to import pictures from this computer (I’m using one at the UNI), I’ll post pictures that I took inside.

That’s pretty much it for today’s update. I’m staying strong. You should, too!

Thanks for reading!

Evan

guess Who is Back in School

That’s right! It’s me!

I’ve enrolled part time online, because surprisingly enough, paying for school is actually cheaper than trying to pay my student loans.

They wanted to charge me $500 per month (because that’s the lowest payment they could get me down to because my income is “high”) for student loans. Fuck that! Taking two classes per semester will cost me only $380 for 5 months. Much cheaper…and eventually I’ll have a degree to show for it.

Wish me luck, guys! Lord knows I’m going to need it!

 

Evan

she Came to Me in Spirit

So this weekend, my dog Shadow passed away after battling lymphatic cancer. My parents woke up on Sunday morning and the dog was wheezing and in a lot of pain. The only humane thing to do was to let her go so that she wouldn’t be suffering anymore.

Before leaving to the vet, my Mum, tears filling her eyes, video-called me so that I could say Goodbye. I was a hysterical, blubbery mess, but I saw her looking up at me. She knew who I was and she smiled for a second when she heard me talking to her. I told her goodbye and that I loved her before my Mum whisked her away to the vet. I could hear her crying and it killed me to say goodbye to my best friend, but we all knew it was time.

I received a two-word text about an hour later from my Mum. “She’s gone.”

The following night, I was beating myself up, because I should have been there, rubbing her belly and telling her I loved her as she drifted off to sleep. That night, I had a remarkable dream. I believe she came to me to let me say goodbye in person. I dreamed that I was home with my parents and Shadow was like a puppy again. She was happy and smiling and playing. She was letting me rub her belly and scratch behind her ear. Even in my dream, I knew it couldn’t be real and that she was actually gone, so I leaned in and kissed her and told her that I loved her and I told her goodbye as she drifted off to sleep.

I know that it was just a dream, but it was exactly what I needed. I got to say goodbye and I got to tell her I love her. It gave me closure.

I just got off of a video chat with my Mum. Shadow’s ashes now have a beautiful cedar wood chest and they sit upon an angel-shaped shelf and above a window-esque picture frame filled with happy memories of our girl. They also have a plaster paw print “stepping stone” that it on display amongst bible verses and “The Rainbow Bridge.”

My Mum says that it’s almost like she’s home again, even if she’s not barking at a car through the door screen or laying on her big, comfy bed. She’s home.

Evan

saying Goodbye

Last night, I learned that my dog has lymphatic cancer and that she won’t be around for another Christmas. It breaks my heart to have to say goodbye.

Shadow has been there for me for 14 years! We got her while I was in 4th grade, around this time of year. We were on our way back from my band recital and my mum covered her eyes, because she thought she saw a little dead puppy on the aide of the road, but as we drove past, the pup lifted her head up. I don’t know what possessed him to do so, but my dad stopped the car, opened the door and whistled.

Next thing I knew, the nearly solid black puppy was sitting in my lap, covered in dirt and stickers. She was smiling and so happy. She found us…her forever home.

When we got home, we decided on a name. “Shadow” was the obvious choice, because she was this dark little pupper and we were very young. 

As the years went by, we learned that Shadow loved carrots, cheese, and sneaking out of the house. My mum and I tried o have a garden for a while, but Shadow would always just dig up the veggies before they were ready. It was adorable, so she wasn’t scorned.

Fast forward another year or so and Shadow came home pregnant. She gave birth to four beautiful puppies who me we named Spaz, Grizzley, Ozzy, and Little Girl. We kept Spaz until he jumped the fence one day and never returned. We found him over a year later. He had been adopted by a family a few blocks away and he was happy.

Shadow got fat. She has always been very loved and well-fed. She couldn’t jump the fence anymore,  so she just chased squirrels to the edge of the fence.

Shadow has had arthritis for a few years now. She takes vitamins for it and she seemed great for a while. She was even okay after she was diagnosed with hip dysplasia (a common type of problem with lab/collie breeds). The vet said she wasn’t in pain. It’s just a nuisance.

My now she has lymphoma and she won’t be around next christmas. My mum has decided to cremate her when she passes. I’d like to put her ashes in a locket so that I can always keep her with me. 

Leaving today was completely heartbreaking. I kissed her and told her to be a good girl and left with tears in my eyes. 

Last night, I actually got on the floor with her and told her that we would be okay and that if she was in pain, she could go. I feel like she’s trying to be strong for us. She’s such a great dog and I will always love her.

Please keep my family and Shadow-butt in your thoughts and prayers. We really need the strength to go on. 

Evan

i Keep Forgetting to Take My Meds…

As the paranoia begins to settle back in, I’m reminded that I’m going to lose my job. I feel that my meds have been making me see through rose-colored lenses. When your lenses are rose-colored, all the red flags just look like flags.

Now, I can see it in their faces, their expressions, their tone of voices, their silence.

They’re about to fire me.

And I don’t care! Haha! 

I’ve been so miserable here for so long. It would be good to finally get to make a change. 

I think I’ve decided to move back home with my parents until I can save up enough money to become debt free and then I will leave for a 6 month trek in Costa Rica! 

I’m gonna to spend 6 months camping in the rainforest. I’ll be working on the sea turtle project again, and I can’t wait! 

If I get fired, I won’t fret. I’ll be free.

Evan

It is currently 20 degrees f outside right now (-7 c). I’m cold, but it’s so beautiful and rare to get cold weather around Christmas in Texas.

I’m currently sitting in the back room of my second job (retail), because I got off at 21:00, but it’s too cold to walk home. My coworkers all get off at 00:00, so I’m sticking around for a ride. When I get home, I’m gonna finish wrapping Christmas presents and go to sleep. I don’t have to work again until 15:00 tomorrow, so I’ll be able to sleep in.

I can feel myself getting down gain. Maybe it’s unrequited love. Maybe it’s stress. Maybe I just need to sleep more. Whatever it is, I need it to stop. I have been doing better and I’d like to continue to do better. I don’t want to feel like I’m stuck anymore, and a lot of it is because I’m getting to the point where I need to make a change again.

When I used to get this way, I’d make an impulsive choice. Usually I’d cut and or dye my hair. Other times, I’d get a new piercing or tattoo. Too bad I’m broke.

Also, I just kind of feel like it’s essential to let you guys know this…today I bought a name tag key chain thing that is green and says, “Evan.” I’m going to put it on my keys tonight, so that every time I look and yet it, I will smile Andy stand remember that I have you guys in my life.

Thank you for reading!

Evan

name Update

For those of you who do not know, my name is Evan Alexander James. I am 25 years old and I am queer and non-binary in gender. Evan is not my legal name. It is a pen name.

I have recently began introducing myself as Evan in social situations. Usually the first thing people ask afterward is, “What are your preferred pronouns?” 

Being that I am non-binary, and thus neither male nor female, but ask the the same time both male asking female, I tell people that I accept both him/he and her/she pronouns. 

It’s exhilarating when someone calls me Evan or sir at work. 🙂 I just love it!

Thank you for your continued support!

Love Always,

Evan