In two weeks, I’ll be moving back in with my parents. I feel as though this is a failure to thrive. Last time I lived at home, I became a drug addict and I developed BPD, not to mention depression and anxiety. I’m scared, but I’m trying to remain hopeful.
I am in a LOT of debt. Like $4000 worth of it, to be honest. And really, that’s low-balling it for you (or maybe for me). I’ve fallen into the debt hole again and it’s like I’m trying to climb out, but every time I find a handhold, it turns into dust under my grip.
I have hit a new rock bottom. I guess that means that there is nowhere to go but up.
As I spend my entire Saturday, surrounded by the twenty-five years worth of clutter that I’ve collected over my life, I am brought back to what it was like living with my parents the first time. This time, I plan to change the outcome.
In August, I am moving to Nevada. I will be living with my eldest brother (whom I’ve only known for 10 years, because my dad didn’t know he existed) and his family. I will be their nanny, and I can’t wait. I really need the change of scenery. Plus, I’ll be an 8-hour drive for my little sister’s house in LA.
My mum thinks I’ll hate the move. I just know I’ll love it. I hate it here. I feel homesick, but I don’t have a home. I don’t know where I belong these days. What I do know is that I am more than a month behind on rent and my roommate lost her job yesterday (even though she’s there number 1 salesperson!). We both have to be out of this house by June 30. I still can’t believe my timeline has shifted so much.
I’m taking classes to get my license (I think I’m ready, but Mum does not). I now have a truck and all it needs is an oil change, new tires, and insurance. I plan on just packing it up one day very soon and driving it all the way out to Nevada. It just has to get me there. When I’m actually there, I can buy a new car or truck. I just have to convince my truck to make the long trip.
I’m going to Nevada June 13-15. I’ll be interviewing for jobs and meeting my sister-in-law and my niece and nephews for the first time. I hope they like me. They are well-aware of my preferred name (Evan) and pronouns (they/them) and, even though they’re conservative Republicans, they are using them. My brother no longer calls me his sister…just his sibling now 🙂
I’m so stressed, but I know that everything will play out the way it’s supposed to. I just have to keep faith in the notion that good things go to good people.
Thanks for listening to me rant.