i Am Not In A Good Place

I no longer wish to exist.

I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live anymore either. Life has become FAR too stressful and I just can’t do it anymore!

Why did all those, happy, life-loving people die in Orlando? They wanted to live. I don’t. Why did they have to die and I’m stuck here?

Last night, I got very suicidal. Thankfully, I have a friend who texted me and helped me off the ledge. He told me to get help. I’ve tried. My old counselor suggested that I would feel more “normal” in a “closely supervised” home. In other words, she said I should be committed. I’ll be the first to admit that I am a danger to myself and others. I am not denying that. I think I would be better off in a ward, but I can’t afford it.

Now, I’m looking for a new counselor and I am terrified of reaching out to someone new, because I’ll only scare them. They’ll tell me the same things my last three told me: I have BPD. I am too anxious. I shouldn’t live alone.

NEWSFLASH: I am NOT living. I am existing. This can’t possibly be what living feels like. I can’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I just feel empty.

It’s like I’m being possessed by a demon full of anger, hatred, and darkness. These thoughts won’t leave me alone. I hate myself because I hate my brain. It just won’t shut up!

I want to be better. I NEED to be better!

Evan

i Flipped Today

Today, I woke up with the feeling that I should call-in to work. I haven’t slept a full night’s sleep in over a week (I’ve been averaging about 3 hours per night). I also, haven’t been taking my Lexapro. I know I should, but I don’t like it anymore.

While I was at work, one of my co-workers was bitching at me about how her manager wanted MY shelves done a certain way, though MY manager and I have control over the shelf. Mind you, I was clocked out for lunch at the time. I lost 2/3 of my lunch break because she wanted me to do something that I wasn’t supposed to do and as I tried to explain to her the way I do it, I got VERY pissed off, I yelled at the poor old woman, and I stomped back to the BOH to find that she had told my manager that I wasn’t doing something right, even though I do. UGH!

Anyway, I went back to my station, took 1/3 of a Klonopin, let it take effect while I tried to hold back the tears and regulate my breathing so that I could continue doing my job (the correct way).

Within 5 minutes, I was falling asleep in a box of raw, frozen bacon. My boss walked up to me, asked if I was okay (quietly, because he didn’t want to cause a scene for me). I shook my head no and began to cry. He told me that since my break was cut short, I should take another twenty minutes to collect myself. I agreed and went to hide in the bathroom.

When I came out twenty minutes later, he was standing at the door, holding my purse. “I finished the bacon for the weekend. I’m headed out and if you move quickly, no one will have to know you were in here.” He smiled at me, my face red and blotchy, and continued, “Have a good weekend. Get some sleep. We care about you here and we need you to take care of yourself.”

I cried instantly as I took my purse from him and slipped out the back door. I don’t know who in his life was/is hurting, but he knows far too well how to handle my breakdowns.

I don’t want to lose my job, but sometimes just getting out of bed (even when I’m not sleeping) in the morning is so stressful. Does anyone have any advice for dealing with morning anxiety?

Evan

i’m Avoiding Sleep

After a week of non-stop night terrors/nightmares/sleep psychosis, I’ve decided to stop sleeping all together! At least until I get home from work tomorrow morning.

I’m going in at 9pm tonight (4 hours from now). I’m going to be bringing in the new year while baking muffins and preparing sandwiches. At least I’ll be able to listen to my music while I work. I might even be able to blog or watch netflix, which would be wonderful! There are always so many strange sounds in the kitchen at night. I just assume it’s an old co-worker, seeking revenge.

Today I ordered from Gobi Mongolian for the first time. I informed them that I am vegan and highly allergic to sesame. I had asked that they clean the grill before prepping my food, which they did, and it was DELICIOUS! Udon noodles with tofu and a LOT of veggies, all stir-fried and shoved into my mouth! haha I think I have a new favorite place!

Last night’s dream was strange as well. It was about a woman who had her children tied up to their beds and their only source of food was a fishing hook tied to a dangling piece of ribbon. Each day, the mother would hang the food on the hook between the children, barely out of reach, and the first one to grab the food gets to eat that night. Sharing wasn’t an option.

I just stood there, terrified, but pretending all was fine, because I feared for my own life and that I wouldn’t be able to help. I bid the mother adieu and left, pretending I was okay. I got in my car and drove to the police station. After informing them of the heinous things I had seen, they waved me off, saying, “yeah, we know. Mind your own business.”

I woke up sweaty and confused.

Now do you see why I don’t want to sleep?

I’m so unbelievably ready for my mental health day on Saturday! I’d extend it into tomorrow after work, but I’ve got to go pay rent and all, thus defeating the purpose of a day in complete solitude.

If the cafe at work opens before I leave tomorrow morning, I will buy my food for the weekend. That is, unless I can convince someone to take me grocery shopping tomorrow. I really need a car and a license! I need to be able to get myself from point A to point B. Also, it would be nice to drive for uber on the weekends. You know, make a little extra cash. Yeah, that would be nice.

I think I might try and sneak in a power nap before work. Wish me luck!

Evan

i Need A Mental Health Day

Why isn’t this a thing? Why can’t we call-in depressed, like we’d call-in when we have the flu. “Sorry, I can’t come in today. I’m sick.” When they ask what you’re sick with, you can just reply, “life.”

Even my boss thinks I need more time to myself. I’ve been having more and more issues just getting out of bed. I’m so tired of being around people all day every day. I just need a day to myself.

I’ve scheduled this Saturday as a “Cry” day. Everyone should schedule one every now and then, especially if you’re not neurotypical. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and a Panic Disorder. Not fun! Also, I (rarely, but terrifyingly) suffer from flashes of psychosis, which are (thank God!) finally under control.

Some day, you just need to cry, you know. So, Saturday, I am going to be spending the day with netflix and lifetime, eating nothing but vegan junk food (yes, it exists!) and bawling my eyes out, while cuddling my giant, stuffed unicorn. His name is Susan, and he’d like you to respect his life choices.

I’m sorry if my posts about work aren’t posting until late. Unfortunately, the work wifi doesn’t allow me to upload my posts and only saves them as drafts until i can get home to my wifi.

On another note, I’m getting better at the first part of Canon in D! That’s always a plus!

Also, today officially marks day 2 of being a full-fledged vegan! My stomach is in a few knots, but mostly because I was up at 11pm yesterday for work at 1am and I waited until nearly 10am to eat breakfast. My stomach hates when I skip meals.

In my new cookbook, there is a recipe for an Almond Caesar Salad, which I think I might try tomorrow. Why knows? Sounds promising!

I almost forgot…I had a very strange dream last night. I was with some friends and I walked up to my car (which is funny for two reasons: A) I don’t drive, and B) I don’t own a car). I was parallel parked and some asshole behind me was practically on my bumper, so I couldn’t get out. For some reason, though, I wasn’t technically parallel parked. I was only halfway in the actual parking spot and my rear end was hanging into the street. I couldn’t get myself out of the spot, so I asked my friend (who was parked in front of me) to move up some.

For some reason, I got into his car with him, completely abandoning my car, which I apparently forgot to park, because it started rolling backward until the tire hit the curb at about the same time a cop car drove up.

Surprisingly enough, because there was no damage done, I only got a ticket ($250) for driving without a license (because my permit had expired). I texted my best friend and told her about the dream and she asked me if I was thinking about renewing my permit before I went to sleep. I told her no, but that I was thinking about it now! haha

What a strange mind, I have!

Anywho…time for bed! Sweet dreams, y’all!

Evan